Teenage angst.

I know I obsess about teenage angst, but I can't help it, it is, after all, my life. I really don't mean to dwell on students who are in such pain, but I think of them all the time. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of them, hoping they are okay, looking forward to seeing their faces at school in the morning.

A student's mother, Stacy, rushed into my office this morning in tears. A different student, Erin, who is friend of Stacy's daughter, Amanda, was texting Stacy, telling her Amanda was talking about suicide and planning to take a lot of pills. Erin said she tried to get Amanda to come to lunch with her, but she wouldn't.

Stacy was hysterical because Amanda wouldn't respond to her text messages or her phone calls. I said I'd go check to make sure she was safe and sound and in class. I ran upstairs and motioned the teacher out to the hall and asked if Amanda was in there. He told me she was not. My dash down to the first floor was a fast one as all of these images of Amanda were flashing through my mind. All of a sudden, I wasn't thinking of Amanda, I was putting myself in Stacy's shoes and thinking of my own kids. She must be terrified. I was afraid to tell her Amanda wasn't there.

When I got to the office, I told her and she sucked in more air (I don't think she exhaled the whole time she was in my office.) She said she would go to the parking lot and see if Amanda's car was here. She called her husband and told him to go home (a ways out of town) and look for her. After Stacy left, Erin came to my office and said Amanda finally texted her back and said she was at a park, but wouldn't say which one. My stomach was sinking as I was thinking about Amanda hurting herself.

Amanda had cancer about four years ago which was treated and is watched carefully now... in addition, she has had some other health problems in the last year to year and a half. They have tested her for everything under the sun and haven't completely figured it out except that she is allergic to a handful of foods (although they know it's more than just that). They have been tinkering with meds because this mystery illness has caused insomnia, nausea, and a host of other problems that has created a sick and tired kid who has missed A LOT of school. ...and... Amanda is a popular, "normal" student from a well-adjusted, normal family who has been to residential treatment for a suicide attempt. Teen suicide attempts are happening with frightening regularity, and it has me on edge all the time. She has been back for a couple of months and they are trying to get medications right to balance her moods while at the same time continue to figure out how to get her healthy.

I called Stacy and told her what Erin had reported. Stacy was choking back tears and said she had Amanda on the phone and she was headed back to school. Stacy came inside and waited for Amanda and Amanda's dad, Chris. Amanda walked into my office, her eyes swollen and bloodshot from crying, and she went over to her mom and slumped into her lap, sobbing, and said, "Mom, I can't do it anymore. Being alive hurts." MY heart was breaking; I can't fathom what her parents were feeling. She talked about the most current medication for depression making killing herself more "tempting." She said she got on the highway this morning and all she could think about on the way in to town was how she could wreck her car right now and it could be over. She also said she was glad she didn't have any pills with her because she is afraid she would have taken them while she sat in her car at the park.

I remember a time when we were in college or right after college. We were all back home and eating at a restaurant. In mid-conversation, Katie lit up a cigarette. I remember looking at mom's face and seeing the tears come. I don't remember if mom said this right then or if she was talking about it after the fact, but she was talking about how you feel when this person whom you have nurtured and cared for from conception, is put in harm's way (self-inflicted or otherwise)... you can't bear it.

We sat in my office for almost an hour with Amanda just talking and talking and crying. Her parents, her counselor and I were listening and dispensing Kleenex (to her and to ourselves). We ended up making a safety plan for her and made her give some solemn promises about not driving off and being alone (I suggested she just not drive at all for a while), and about talking to people rather than keeping feelings inside. We also dropped one of her classes she was drowning in (when we talked about doing that, I could practically see weight lifting off her shoulders.) And we got her parents the name of a psychiatrist who could work in conjunction with her psychologist since the psychiatrist would have a better handle on what meds to try and how they may work best.

Amanda is so lucky to have the parents she does. They are so willing to do whatever it takes to get her healthy again. I was so glad to hear her dad say, "school is secondary - YOU are the first priority" (this coming from a dad who is generally very demanding of his kids academically!) Tomorrow I am listening to a presentation from a woman from the local suicide prevention group. The counselor says she is the authority here in town on teen suicide. Unfortunately, I need more training and more information about this phenomenon that isn't going away.